


we dance on our sadness (with one swallow it's magical)

by fullhaesuns



Category: NCT
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, It Sucks, M/M, Random Flashbacks, Vomiting, idk the plot is wtf ??, non linear, sooo many mistakes, sorry - Freeform, trigger warning, tw eating disorders, u can tell i had a breakdown before writing this, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 16:44:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20231083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullhaesuns/pseuds/fullhaesuns
Summary: now glancing at the mirror, all he saw was a different boy, he winced as the figure stared right back at him, empty.something so heavy tugs at the bottom of his chest, and suddenly he feels like disappearing. standing amongst people that mean the world to him, his fans and his hyungs, people he would sell his soul and heart to. he realizes he could just disappear.





	we dance on our sadness (with one swallow it's magical)

**Author's Note:**

> 1) trigger warning: eds and bulimia  
2) i am in no way implying that donghyuck has an ed   
3) im just using this as a way to vent   
4) stay safe <3

we dance on our sadness (with one swallow it's magical)

title from sweating gold by honey moan!!  
\--

now glancing at the mirror, all he saw was a different boy, he winced as the figure stared right back at him, empty.  
something so heavy tugs at the bottom of his chest, and suddenly he feels like disappearing. standing amongst people that mean the world to him, his fans and his hyungs, people he would sell his soul and heart to. he realizes he could just disappear.

-

donghyuck wanted to go home, he wanted to lay on his bed and sleep forever and never wake up. promotions were exhausting, and the rest of nct wanted to recharge by eating. but he was tired, too tired and bothered to eat. 

"donghyuck is everything okay?" jaemin asks, his gaze fixated on the dazed boy. donghyuck throws him a smile, but it didn't feel right. jaemin could sense the venom and fear laced behind it, like poison ivy.

"my stomach just hurts that's all," donghyuck replies, and he continues his conversation with doyoung. smiling and laughing as if nothing happened. the latter cant shake the feeling that it was a lie. he knew it was a lie.

\--

his head was spinning, his mind screaming at him to stop. he heaved once more into the toilet bowl, all the food he ate laying disgustingly in the bowl. just when did things get this bad. he hated this. he isn't okay and he hasn't been in a long time.

the dreamies were having a celebration for their win, and they dragged him to the restaurant for food. he couldn't refuse going with them, not wanting to make them suspicious and because he can't let jaemin and the others down, he can't bear to see their worried looks on him, he couldn't bear dragging them down anymore. 

donghyuck scoffed. it started simply, it always did. he could have all the food he craved, shove his fingers down his throat and vomit it all back wards. it was simple, but now he was trapped in a spiral that only took him downwards. 

\--

"jaem?" hyuck calls out, his voice dry. he stands next to jaemins bed.

jaemin lets out a soft oh as donghyuck’s head flops against the pillow beside him softly. so it's one of those nights, nights where donghyuck lays his heart out to him.

"im sorry, it's just that i'm stupid and i cant help but feel that i'm dragging you all down"  
donghyuck has trusted jaemin enough to tell him, he has trusted himself enough to melt into the latter's scent. it's raining outside, in the middle of july, at midnight and the summer rain patters on the roof. the rhythm outside the window somehow calms donghyuck down, and when jaemin closes down on him, donghyuck can't resist the urge to melt into jaemin's embrace. he smells like soft lavender and fruit shampoo, donghyuck thinks jaemin will kiss him but instead jaemin goes for his hand, his fingers gently brushing the clenched fist donghyuck had made. 

it's a faint echo of time when jaemin whispers, "you don't have to be sorry, you're special. things won't be the same without you" 

jaemin gives him a lazy smile as he tugs on donghyuck's hand, "and i love you okay?"

theres a dull ache that has settled in donghyuck's heart, "i love you too" 

\--

donghyuck was bent over the toilet bowl, again. his head was spinning and his ears were ringing like sirens. he shoved his fingers down. again. and again. but nothing expect spit and saliva came down. 

a failure, he was a failure. he couldn't hide the disappointing feeling that was twisting in his guts.

“what- what are you doing hyuckie?” johnny asked in disbelief.

johnny was staring at him with a shocked and worried look, the confusion etched between his brows.

it just had to be his favorite hyung.

“it's not what you think hyung”

donghyuck feels hazy and heavy, and his throat felt itchy and dry. hurriedly, he stands up and pulls a fake smile onto his face, avoiding johnny’s burning gaze “ i was...h-hyung i was feeling sick and i thought i could get rid of it first yknow?”

johnny casts a look at the toilet bowl and his gaze softens, “i'm only telling you this because i care about you, we all care about you hyuckie. i don't want you to get hurt anymore. hyung is sorry”

donghyuck blinks up at him, coming back to the present in full force. “you don't have to be sorry hyung, i'm totally fine”

\--

"why aren't you eating these days" taeyong asks. donghyuck's eyes widen, frozen. 

"what do you mean hyung?" he dodges the question, his eyes drifting onto the television.

"you know what i mean hyuck" the static fills the unbearable silence between them.

\--

a minute passed, a week passed but the only thing that didn't pass was donghyuck's pain. the evil gnawes at donghyuck from the inside, until he withers away and disappears for good.


End file.
